A Dead Christmas Filled of Roses
by Daisy Party
Summary: A secret santa gift for Glyn! Hope you like it!


_Secret Santa Gift_

**A Dead Christmas Filled with Roses**

_I feel dead._

_Things aren't like they use to be. _

_Back when I still had my reason to keep fighting. _

_The one person who needed my help died because I wasn't fast enough._

_I couldn't save her. _

_It feels like it was another life I lived, but was tortured cruelly to death. _

_The one thing I truly loved was taken away from my hands and taken to another world I wasn't allowed in. _

_There's no reason to fight in this new life of mine. _

_I'm all alone now. _

"Katniss?" Peeta's voice next to me said, the look in his eyes full of concern.

"I'm fine." I said dryly and began to knead the dough again. I know that look all too well. And I can't help but feel anger well up in me every time Peeta gives it to me.

I know he means well and cares, but I'm not okay. I hate it when people ask how I'm doing now. My life was a show the entire country saw on T.V, so they all knew perfectly well my life took a turn for the worse. Everyone knew who I was- the girl on fire, the girl who freed the districts, the girl who couldn't save her sister at the end- so I was asked a lot of questions from strangers. My life was an open book whether I liked it or not.

However, Peeta knew me on a more personal level, so whenever he ask me, it only upset me more.

He knew the times I would lock myself in our room to cry, he knew when I ran out into the woods to call her name, he knew all the nightmares that haunted me in my sleep, he knew me more than any other human.

"You've been acting strange lately. You know, you can tell me anything. I'm here for you. And I know today is a speci-" He started to say, but stopped when he moved his hand to rest on my shoulder, trying to reassure me, and I shrugged him off.

"I always do." I lied lowering my gaze to the moist bread dough in my hand.

There was no use in lying to Peeta since he could always tell, but it usually kept him from pushing the subject. Though, I have been lying to him more often, so I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep up the act.

I really did feel gyulty: one of the reasons we became so close to each was because we didn't hide anything from each other. But, with the days leading up to today, I couldn't help going back to my old bad habits of closing everyone off.

Peeta sighed quietly and moved his hand on top of mine causing me to stop kneading and forcing my eyes up to meet his.

"Katniss..." Looking up at him, I could see his eyes searching me for an explanation.

Feeling defensive, I jerked my hand away from his touch and took a step back. "I said I was fine, so would you just leave me alone for once?"

Shocked by my sudden outburst, Peeta looked at me with wide eyes- matching the surprise I felt.

"Peeta I... I didn't mean that. I just-"

The rest of my sentence was stuck in my throat the second I saw the way he shut his eyes tight. It had been a while since this happened and it only made my guilt grow.

"Wait Peeta, no. No, no. Not real. Its not real." I quickly walked in front of him reaching out to pull him into an embrace, but the swing of his arm hit my hand, warning me to stay back.

"J-just..." he managed to stutter out. Slowly, he took a deep breath and walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone in silence.

It had been weeks since his last episode and they usually only came around after he woke up from a nightmare. Now, I was the one to cause him to snap.

Not knowing what else to do, I ran out the back door, passing the primrose bush Peeta had planted all those years ago- its leaves burnt from the winter air- and headed straight into the woods.

Walking through the woods was one of the things that always helped clear my mind whenever I needed time alone. It was one of my favorite things to do since I was a child and one of the few things that brought a strand of light into my dark world.

The sound of a twig cracking woke me up from the daze I was slowly entering. I turned my head quickly expecting to see Peeta or Haymitch, but saw no one. Then, I felt something behind me and when I turned again, I took a deep breath.

"Buttercup! Shoo shoo. Go back home."

How could I have forgotten that little creature. He always followed me out here and I never could get him to leave me alone. Though, there was a small part of me that enjoyed his company. It made me feel like Prim was still around, hiding behind a tree or bush trying to taunt her cat and hide from me. He sometimes acted as though she were by his side with the way he purred for no reason or the way he would roll around on the ground the way he did when Prim would rub his furry belly.

Before I could fall into a dark void inside my mind, another sound to my left brought me on high defense this time, sure it wasn't the cat this time.

"Hello." A little girl with a blue ribbon bow in her hair smiled to me, her small figure making her way towards me.

"Who are you?" I asked cautiously taking a step back. I knew everyone who lived in twelve because of the people who went into Peeta's family bakery that was rebuilt and with the trips I made almost everyday into town. Yet, this little girl dressed in a furry brown coat was someone I had never seen.

Instead of answering my question, the little girl knelt down, removed the ribbon from her hair and reached out her hand making gently ticking sounds.

Instantly, Buttercup ran over to her and began to roll around playing with the string in front of her, his purr was loud enough to be heard throughout the woods.

"I like your kitty." The little girl's voice was so soft and soothing, it made the tension in my muscles relax.

"He's not mine."

"Then whose is he?" The girl asked, her curious eyes looking up at me; the innocence in her gaze made my stomach turn. It was a look I long since have seen in a person.

"He's my... She's... not around anymore." I whispered.

The little child's lips curved into a bright smile. "Did she love him?"

I nodded, unable to speak.

"Then, I think..." the girl scooped up Buttercup, who didn't fuss like he usually did, and handed him over to me to grab.

Reluctantly, I held the cat in my arms and to my surprise, he purred and snuggled against my chest. Grabbing the ribbon from the ground, the girl tied it like a collar on Buttercup.

"... You should take care of him until she comes back."

An overwhelming feeling of pain began to drown me inside and I had to hold back the urge to scream to this kid. Bitting the inside of my cheek I murmured, "She's not coming back..."

"Everyone always comes back." The girl perked up. "You just have to wait and pay attention. That way, when they do come back, you won't miss them."

I wanted to yell to her, tell her that I waited months for my father to come back home, waited for Finnick to walk into my house some day with a story of how he escape, even waited in Prim's room expecting her to be tucked in bed when I woke up. But none of them came back.

"She won't! No one will ever come back!" I snapped, my eyes stinging. "It's my fault they're gone..."

I watched as a startled Buttercup hissed, jumping out of my arms then hid behind the little girl.

"It's okay, Buttercup, you won't miss her." She giggled, petting the feline's fur.

I didn't even question how she knew the cat's name: Buttercup was a well known cat throughout the country.

"What do you want?" I asked irritated.

"They need you," the girl said handing the cat over to me once again. "It's not your fault either."

"Everyone was better off if I were dead."

The little girl didn't look at me, she just stroked Buttercup's head, "You're still needed though. There are things you still need to fight for."

"Fight? For what? I lost everything I ever loved."

The girl shook her head, giving Buttercup a kiss on top of his head then took a step away. "Did you?" She asked curiously looking between Buttercup and me.

Her words echoed inside of my head making me feel like the world was spinning underneath my feet.

Prim and my father were the only things I truly loved. The mostly-healed wound in my heart left behind by my father's death only opened up and wider when I lost my little sister. I gave up everything to protect her and I failed.

People say time heals wounds, but it doesnt.

The only reason I still get up every morning is because of Peeta. It took a long time before he could control his episodes, it took a,while for me to be willing to trust him again, it took even longer for us to reach the level of our relationship - that wasn't forced just to entertain the citizens.

It was real.

And I fought to have it...

Once the pieces started to click together in my head, the little girl gave me her bright smile again and this time I returned it.

"Who are you..?" I spoke in a voice quieter than a whisper afraid I would disturb the peace that surrounded us.

I couldn't believe it took me this long to realize there were still more to fight for, there were more things that I needed and people who needed me. I always dreamed of a world without the hunger games and now that I had it I wasn't trying to make the most of it.

Peeta trusted in me even when he was being highjacked; trusted I would keep fighting till we won even if it cost him his life.

It's what Finnick died for, so his child grow up in a safe place.

Prim would have wanted me to be strong and keep our home a safe place for everyone.

And after all this time, it took a little girl to make me see that.

Before I had a chance to say anything else, the little girl came close to give Buttercup a tight hug, whispering something to him that I couldn't make out and turned to run in the direction she came from.

"Wait! Who are you? Where are you from? What's your name?" I called out to her. "Will I ever see you again?"

The girl stopped to glance back at me, her smile wider, "I already told you. Honestly, you really do need to pay more attention Katniss. And please, take good care of my baby and that boy."

"Katniss... Katniss!"

I opened my eyes wide gasping for air when I heard Peeta's voice calling out my name. Sitting up off the dirt floor, my breathing was hard and fast as I looked around me; the sun was shining between the tree barks of the woods already and the air was becoming a bitter chill.

"Peeta?" I called back tiredly then stood up to my feet looking around frantically. "Prim! Prim, wait! Come back!"

"Katniss, calm down." Peeta walked into view and made his way towards me.

"She was here Peeta." I shouted.

"Who Katniss?"

"Prim! She was here, she was talking to me. She held Butter..." I looked around the ground and saw Buttercup sound asleep, the blue ribbon laid across his neck.

I dropped down on my knees and reached out with shaky hands to grab the ribbon from him.

"She was here..." I choked out.

Peeta knelt down beside me and rested his hand on my shoulder, "What is that?" He questioned, holding the other end of the ribbon in his other hand.

"Prim... I gave it to her after we came back from the first games... she told me she lost it right before she had to leave twelve after the last game..."

"Looks like Buttercup found it." Peeta said looking up at me.

I shook my head, "No, she found it and left it here..."

I knew it made no sense and maybe I was losing my mind, but I knew it was true. Prim was here, I just found it difficult to believe. But here was the ribbon she had in her hair.

It was at that moment when I finally understood what she meant when she told me everyone came back. Prim, my father, Finnick, they left us all, but in a way, they never truly did. They were always with us: in our dreams, in our stories, in our memories, in the things they left behind (like a ribbon or a cat or a baby), and in our hearts.

"I believe you." Peeta told me, stroking a loose strand of hair out of my face and wiped the tears that ran down my cheeks. "I believe you."

Not sure whether it was a good idea to approach him so carelessly after earlier, I did it anyways and threw my arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Peeta..."

"It's okay.. I'm sorry I pushed you." He whispered into my ear. "I just worry about you so much."

I pulled away to look into his eyes- the boy with the bread, the boy who stood by my side,- and kissed him softly. To my surprise, Peeta wasn't tense or stiff like he use to be which made my heart feel warm.

After what felt like hours, Peeta pulled away slightly and whispered, "You love me, real or not real?"

And like always, I answered back, "Real."

We both walked in comfortable silence back to the house, Peeta held my close to his side protecting me from the cold. As soon as we neared the house, I could see a bright colorful light coming from the house.

"Did you put something up?" I asked.

"No, I didn't."

I gripped onto the ribbon I held in my hand when we were in better view of the source of brightness

It was the primrose bush Peeta had plant.

The bush that was dried and dead from the harsh bitter winter had beautiful bloomed primroses all around. The mixture of blue, red, yellow, pink, white and purple flowers were so bright it lite the entire area.

It was the light that shined brightly in the darkest of days.

Tears began to fill my eyes once again, but this time from pure joy and happiness.

I sat down close to the bush and carefully tied Prim's blue hair ribbon around one of middle branches and made a bow. Buttercup seemed to feel the lightness and warmth in the air because he started to purr and rub his body against the bottom of the bush.

Feeling Peeta sit behind me, I leaned back against him and admired the gift Prim left behind and smiled when I felt his arms around my shoulders.

_I could feel a light spark in me. _

_Just as I felt it all those years ago._

_Things aren't like they use to be. _

_But maybe that isn't necessarily a bad thing. _

_I know now, this really is another life._

_My second chance._

_And I may have lost the one thing I truly loved, but I now understand there's still love left in my heart that someone else needs; just like she did. _

_ I still have things to fight for._

_I just had to remember that I would never be alone._


End file.
